Thursday, April 14, 2011, 10:56 PM
Silent words
So I was off in school early in the morning for my pre-semestral briefing. Received news later that lingg wanted to meet. I was so ecstatic, I was so happy.
However, that eagerness didn't last any longer than a 45 minute train ride.
While walking around jurong point looking for a new pair of earpiece, I found out she went over to her ex's house. Overnight.
Those two replies alone to my questions: yar. yar.
Just these two...tore my heart in half. Hell tears just started swelling up and rolled off my cheek, in public. I never thought such a thing would ever occur to me, but looks like it did. I was...devastated.
Then I went off to look for a quiet spot to just sit down, and calm myself. I wanted to tell myself this shit ain't true, but what's right before me...I can't deny. I just walked and walked and found this isolated playground. I just climbed onto it, sat down and pretty much broke again.
I really couldn't believe what had happened...
I sat there thinking...
Lingg denied anything occured between them. Hell..I don't know why but somehow I believed it. Yet...that believe alone isn't gonna solve anything. A guy and a girl, ex-boyfriend at that overnight...what else can I possibly believe?
Maybe she really never cheated on me. I somehow still believe that now. Yet it doesn't change the fact that the line has been crossed. I feel so hurt. The one person, the one girl I have loved and trusted so much...did this to me...
She said she wanted to get back at me. Yeah fine, there are lotsa ways to get back at me...but this...this is too much. This is something beyond what I can accept already. This...is probably beyond what anybody can accept had it happened to them.
Lotsa thoughts ran through my mind. Then the sky turned dark, and I thought I should just head home. Lingg later told me she wanted to collect some photos taken from my phone earlier in the week.
She came not long after.
Then I just slept while she sat somewhere on my armchair. I just didn't know how to face her. Or maybe...I just couldn't face what she has done to me. This part of me just somehow refuses to believe it.
After a long while, I couldn't stand it anymore. I...just couldn't see her like this ya know? It hurts me so much to see her in this state, so much so that I'd rather blame myself for what has happened. So much that I'm making myself believe that I have caused this myself, I can't blame anyone else but myself. Somehow...I just don't wanna see her so upset.
I thought she might be thirsty so I got her a drink and..tried talking to her. Guess what? She doesn't have anything to say to me. What else could I say then?
Hell it feels so painful. It's like I can't even feel a god-damned thing anymore. My heart...she took a blade and pushed right through it. My love and utmost trust towards her...she hurled them outta the window when she took that step.
Heck ya know...I really wanted to spend my life with her. So much that I eventually hardened myself to never give her up under any circumstances. Now...I don't know what to do anymore. I still don't wanna give her up...but I can't find it in myself to accept that of what she has done.
She always had that characteristic that threw things around..tantrums and all that. Can't say I'm a fan of them, but I have come to accept them as her, and despite this...I know she was the one. She was the one I'd walk down the rest of my life with. Damn it wasn't easy finding a girl you'd even think of doing that with, now I finally did...fuck cupid wants to take it from me...
FUCK IT! My first relationship, the girl ran off. Second, the girl chucked me aside too. Now...the same thing is gonna happen again. Why can't you fucking cupids just gimme a chance HUH?! Why can't you bloody angels just gimme a chance to make it work out. Why the hell do you cupids...have to do this to me...
If this is all it's ever worth...why even shoot the cupid arrow into me in the first place...? Why make me love so much, then throw it all away?
Can somebody tell me what to do...? I'm stuck in between. I know I love her...and I don't wanna give her up, but another part of me just can't accept what has been done.
I feel so lonely...if only there was someone I could talk to...
Yet always at the end of the day, I just practically find myself talking to myself. Naively reassuring myself that everything will be fine...
Fuck...I love her so much man....why did it have to come to this...?
I really miss her....
However, that eagerness didn't last any longer than a 45 minute train ride.
While walking around jurong point looking for a new pair of earpiece, I found out she went over to her ex's house. Overnight.
Those two replies alone to my questions: yar. yar.
Just these two...tore my heart in half. Hell tears just started swelling up and rolled off my cheek, in public. I never thought such a thing would ever occur to me, but looks like it did. I was...devastated.
Then I went off to look for a quiet spot to just sit down, and calm myself. I wanted to tell myself this shit ain't true, but what's right before me...I can't deny. I just walked and walked and found this isolated playground. I just climbed onto it, sat down and pretty much broke again.
I really couldn't believe what had happened...
I sat there thinking...
Lingg denied anything occured between them. Hell..I don't know why but somehow I believed it. Yet...that believe alone isn't gonna solve anything. A guy and a girl, ex-boyfriend at that overnight...what else can I possibly believe?
Maybe she really never cheated on me. I somehow still believe that now. Yet it doesn't change the fact that the line has been crossed. I feel so hurt. The one person, the one girl I have loved and trusted so much...did this to me...
She said she wanted to get back at me. Yeah fine, there are lotsa ways to get back at me...but this...this is too much. This is something beyond what I can accept already. This...is probably beyond what anybody can accept had it happened to them.
Lotsa thoughts ran through my mind. Then the sky turned dark, and I thought I should just head home. Lingg later told me she wanted to collect some photos taken from my phone earlier in the week.
She came not long after.
Then I just slept while she sat somewhere on my armchair. I just didn't know how to face her. Or maybe...I just couldn't face what she has done to me. This part of me just somehow refuses to believe it.
After a long while, I couldn't stand it anymore. I...just couldn't see her like this ya know? It hurts me so much to see her in this state, so much so that I'd rather blame myself for what has happened. So much that I'm making myself believe that I have caused this myself, I can't blame anyone else but myself. Somehow...I just don't wanna see her so upset.
I thought she might be thirsty so I got her a drink and..tried talking to her. Guess what? She doesn't have anything to say to me. What else could I say then?
Hell it feels so painful. It's like I can't even feel a god-damned thing anymore. My heart...she took a blade and pushed right through it. My love and utmost trust towards her...she hurled them outta the window when she took that step.
Heck ya know...I really wanted to spend my life with her. So much that I eventually hardened myself to never give her up under any circumstances. Now...I don't know what to do anymore. I still don't wanna give her up...but I can't find it in myself to accept that of what she has done.
She always had that characteristic that threw things around..tantrums and all that. Can't say I'm a fan of them, but I have come to accept them as her, and despite this...I know she was the one. She was the one I'd walk down the rest of my life with. Damn it wasn't easy finding a girl you'd even think of doing that with, now I finally did...fuck cupid wants to take it from me...
FUCK IT! My first relationship, the girl ran off. Second, the girl chucked me aside too. Now...the same thing is gonna happen again. Why can't you fucking cupids just gimme a chance HUH?! Why can't you bloody angels just gimme a chance to make it work out. Why the hell do you cupids...have to do this to me...
If this is all it's ever worth...why even shoot the cupid arrow into me in the first place...? Why make me love so much, then throw it all away?
Can somebody tell me what to do...? I'm stuck in between. I know I love her...and I don't wanna give her up, but another part of me just can't accept what has been done.
I feel so lonely...if only there was someone I could talk to...
Yet always at the end of the day, I just practically find myself talking to myself. Naively reassuring myself that everything will be fine...
Fuck...I love her so much man....why did it have to come to this...?
I really miss her....
