Saturday, March 12, 2011, 6:19 PM
What the future holds
Haven't posted for a couple of days. Was intending to so last night....well at least, until something cropped up. I'll elaborate a little on this first, then tell you about the happenings for the past few days.
So to start things off, this little unfortunate event occured in late friday. At night I presume. Lingg requested I work with her at sakura. Well...to be honest, I was pretty put off with that thought. Could be maybe I'm too spoilt for manual labor and that I really haven't any interest in doing such stuff. That said...yeah I rejected her request.
As you might have guessed, that ticked her off real bad. So she went along to ignore me. Later on, she requested again...of which....well I rejected again. That was the decisive blow I guess. After that, I had to leave for home, and before parting with her, told her to look out for her phone cause I had something on my mind that needed answers.
So I asked, what am I to her exactly? Shit was the answer I got. Gotta admit...I felt really heartbroken. All that I ever was to her, well...no more than just shit. Then we went on to debate about my feelings towards her. With that, got a "you won't even sacrifice this little bit for me" ticket smacked right on my face. That really hurt me too ya know? I sacrificed so much, things I did for you I never did for anyone else. Yet all you could see was the little bit left that I couldn't do, and turned a blind eye to everything else I gave to you. Much less to say, yeah....she said she was.....disappointed in me....
Every word from her broke my heart again and again till there was nothing else left to shatter. The final straw came when I realised....she never actually did love me...at least....she was trying but never loved from the beginning. Having knew that, I literally broke down. Everything I did for her, was because I believed she loved me. To hold on to that love, to see her smiles, those were my driving forces to do whatever I have done all this time. Yet....at the end of the day...it seems like....all of it were for naught. Cause there was no love from her to begin with.
Then the thought of giving up came to my mind, since....the girl I have been loving all along, never felt the same way towards me. Even if winning her back won't have much a point...since there won't be any love I could regain from her. Yet somehow, there was this part of me that didn't want to let go.
That part of me told me that if I did, I'll regret it, I'll miss her, I'll be back to the life I used to lead. That part of me knew that if I let go, I'll never find another girl like her, she is....well....that special you know? I was really torn apart. I want to go back to her....but I knew she doesn't want me anymore...since she no longer trust the love I had for her.
I was in a dilemma, should I try going back...depsite knowing that she'll never love me? With that, I closed my eyes for a little bit. Then a whole chain of thoughts flashed through my mind. There was still so much I have yet to do, so much more that we have yet to do together. We haven't been to the zoo....she hasn't taught me jap like she promised to....I have yet to get myself a driving license so I could drive her around and she'll no longer need to crowd with people. There was so much so much more...and if I let go now....all of these, will only ever remain as a dream.
Then I saw visions. Visions of me and lingg...
I saw us entering the zoo, chatting, laughing and rotted the entire day away there happily.
I saw lingg wearing my specs tilted downwards and teaching me jap. She looked so much like a teacher and I was the good student...haha... *I smiled here*
I saw myself running out of the driving center with my driving license and hugging lingg. Then we went for a spin, and I made her a promise that I'll always be the ferry in her life. A boat that will never capsize.
Then I saw ourselves in the late 20s. Lingg was wearing her wedding gown, and I was in my suit, she looked....really really beautiful. Then we walked down the aisle, with crowds of people cheering. We gave our vows, exchanged rings and embraced in a passionate kiss. We were husband and wife....I saw us....get married.... *I smiled again*
Next I saw this sea of purple flowers. Lavenders....france....I turned around and saw lingg dancing in the bed of flowers. She was so graceful, then I joined in. We danced hand in hand, laughing away, we looked so....blissful.
Then I saw this kid, this little girl. It was our child, our daughter. She was a beautiful little lass, just like her mother. Can't really remember what we named her....Serah if I recall correctly.
She grew up to a beautiful lady, she was really obedient and filial too.
Next, I saw this image...a family picture. I was on the left, lingg was on the right and our daughter right in the middle. She was dressed in graduation clothes and behind us was harvard university. Could you believe it? Our daughter....graduated from harvard...haha....
Alas, I saw our daughter got married to wonderful guy. She was contented and happy, our role as parents was finally accomplished....
Finally...I saw both us, real old haha....I was hage~~ Yet...despite our age. Me and lingg were still holding hands, chatting and laughing like how we used to when we were young. We were so old...yet still so loving....
Seeing all those visions...they just seemed a little too perfect. At that moment....I really wished we could have gone that far, till the day we die. But looking back at my current situation....I knew it was impossible. Lingg doesn't trust me anymore, so that means there is no way any of that could happen.
That moment, I knew I was going to lose lingg for good. I...never thought I'd live my life without her. Yet...now it seems like I'll be going back to my old life. A life without her...without her smiles and her presence. Everything I had hoped for....it was all gone. In just one night.
Then....when about all hope was lost...and all the visions were fading away. Lingg asked if I wanna go out tomorrow. She seemed...cheerful all of a sudden....saying that she had already gotten what she was after. I asked, but she wouldn't say. It seems like....she forgave me all of a sudden....the hopes started coming back...
So when I met her today, which was saturday, she seemed...perfectly fine. It was like as if nothing had happened, and that it was all just a bad dream. Yet....it was as real as reality could get, it wasn't a dream.
Lingg, I am really confused....I don't know what to believe now. Should I believe that you actually still trust my love for you? Should I believe that one day you'll love me too? Or should I believe we still have a future together, that all I have hoped and dreamt, is still possible? My driving force was my believe of your love for me, if it's not there....what should I believe in? Please tell me lingg....
This is the very reason why I was so quiet the whole day. I just can't get the thought out of my mind....I don't know what I should believe in...after you shattered the only believe I had. Please lingg...give me something else to believe in. Even if it's a lie, deceive me, make me believe that we will have a future together. Just....just don't kill off the final hopes I have left....
Lingg, you are a very nice girl. You said you thought I was the one who wouldn't make you upset. But I seem to be making you sad every now and then......if that's the case...lingg....it's not that you are a hard girlfriend. But rather....I have been a lousy boyfriend. It's all my fault...I'm so sorry for any kind of sadness I have ever given you.
I don't know if you still want me....if you still wanna believe in the love I have for you. But I wanna let you know, my feelings for you, none of them were fake. Every drop of emotion and love I showered on you, came right from my heart. I love you...I really do...I really wanna spend my whole life with you...no one else but you. Sure, we don't know what the future holds, but I know what I want, what I feel in me. It's the love and certainty that we will be together always, all that's left...is you....whether you still believe in it or not...
Lingg....I need your answer, I need something to believe in again, something.....to bring the fading visions back. I know it may be hard for you to tell me face to face...so maybe...you could do it on your blog yeah? Tell me....what exactly is it that you feel in you? Do we still stand that chance? Can we still build our future together? You and me?
____________________________________________________________________
Alright...so enough about the sad stuff, now I'll move onto the events like I promised. So Thursday morning, I went over to lingg's house at 8. Got myself big breakfast from the nearby macs since I expected myself to miss lunch.
So got there, gobbled up my breakfast and went to sleep =x Yeah real tired haha~~
Then then woke up at 12 odd? Cause of lingg's alarm. Since we intended to catch a movie before heading for lingg's class. But maybe cause we were just too damn tired? We actually got back to sleep and slept till 2? haha~~ then we really woke up and played with each other a little. Then lingg started using my phone, and for some odd reason I felt tired again. So so so I laid on lingg's lap and fell asleep xD hehe~~~
I don't know what went on afterwards but the next time I woke up, I was on her bed and I thought I was in some sorta office. Well yeah, lingg was typing and all that HAHA! Then we watched sleepy hollow till 6 odd? After which lingg went to take a bathe before heading down to take pics for her school stuff and the her jap lesson.
We got down to west mall at 7.30 and went to take her photographs first. She really still looked beautiful even without her makeup :)
After that was done, Ernest came and off we went for lingg's jap class! weee~~~
I bid her goodbye, gave her a kiss and she told me not to PDA xD someone shy OOOoooOoOOoo xD
Next I went back to westmall hoping to get a meal cause I was starving. I saw an ice-cream stand along the way and got myself one xD well lucky I did, cause west mall was so packed I couldn't eat there, at least not alone, since I couldn't book any seats =.=
So I rotted and stoned till lingg was finally out!
Then went back to lingg's house, yeah overnight ^^ Then then we watched liar game. Pretty interesting show, just maybe a tad bit confusing at times LOL! We watched till 3 I think? Then went to bed arararara =p
____________________________________________________________________
The next day, we woke at 1! Um rather...lingg woke at 1, to prepare for our movie outing. I woke at 3 instead =x And omg my hair was so damn messy D; oh well =/
We bused down to the cathay, got our tickets and headed straight in just in time for the show. Oh and did I mention there was this really nice caucasian ticketing lady who gave the both of us student prices although I only flashed one. Hmm since lingg didn't have hers xD
We watched Rango! Well not too bad, but I was hoping it'd be a little better =x Damn but the indian birdie part was damn funny wtf ~.~ He opened his shirt then got feathers flowing out non stop. Then everyone ask what was he doing and he replied it's time for me to mate LOL! Mate in the middle of a mission =x
Show ended at 6.30 and we didn't wanna head home yet. So we went to plaza sing since lingg wanted to buy some cosmetics stuff from watsons. Unnnnnnfortunately, it appears there wasn't a watsons store at plaza sing, contrary to lingg's belief hehe~~
So instead, we headed down to bugis, since she was certain there is one there. We trained down and and the next part onwards, yep it's the unfortunate event I mentioned at the top of this post, so shan't go about the details again.
____________________________________________________________________
Then saturday, went down to lingg's house in the morning as she requested since she wants to go out. I didn't sleep the entire night, so went over earlier since I didn't had anything else to do. Not to mention I tried playing games but stopped after 5 minutes? Didn't had the mood at all....
After I got there, lingg went back to bed buried under her blanket after opening the door for me. I for one, was hesitant about getting too close to her....cause I don't know what she was thinking...if she was still angry with me or whatnot, and it's best not to piss her off further accidentally. That said, I sat on the chair at her study table and slept there =/
Then then after awhile? Lingg came and covered my mouth =x Yeah that didn't wake me up, the tickling of my ear did. She then told me to sleep on her bed. Yeah...I was hesitant so I sat at the lower bed, then she went on to ask me to sleep on HER bed lol =x Yeah so I did.
Didn't take me long to fall asleep cause I was real tired. Didn't sleep the entire night ya know? Then she woke me up after she was done with her preparations. We took a train down to bugis to get her stuff. She was all back to her sweet smiling, cute self. To be honest...I didn't know how to react....cause I didn't know what was going on. Especially since she was really pissed last night and now all of a sudden, back to how she used to be :O
I was pretty quiet throughout the whole journey and I think it sorta stressed lingg out? sorry...it wasn't intentional. Like I said above....my mind is...well...occupied with thoughts.
We finally got to bugis and we went to artbox. There she found her panda hoody~~ But didn't dare try it on cause she thought it was weird trying something on without a fitting room. Then I told it was just a jacket she could just wear over, not like she had to take her top off or something haha~ I mean...you definitely have to try it on in case it doesn't fit...it's 50 bucks ya know =/ If it doesn't fit, it's good money wasted.
She looked pretty nice in it. After that, she wanted to take it off so we could pay for it. Worried her top may come off with her hoodie, I pulled her top down while she took off the jacket ^^ Paid for it and well, for some reason she seemed reluctant to leave o.o Kept browsing the shop, don't know what she was looking for haha~~
Once she was done, we went for a meal, kinda hungry yeah =/ Ate at food junction. Then then then then we trained back down to her workplace. It was still early so we decided to drop by jurong point first instead. I got caramel coffee and we walked around a little till it was almost time for her work before heading down.
Met Ernest at the MRT platform and off we went! Yeah it was raining and everything was wet and stuff =/ I saw lingg to sakura's doorstep. Hugged her, gave her a kiss and bidded her goodbye. Somehow I didn't wanna leave till she was outta sight...I don't know why. And and for some reason, lingg kept turning back to wave at me too lol~~
After that I headed back home to rest a little and blog before heading back out to fetch lingg off work.
Sigh....to be honest I have no idea what exactly is going on now....but I really hope that everything...will turn out just fine. I really hope so....
Oh and...longest post ever till date I think? Hope it's not too boring a read =x
So to start things off, this little unfortunate event occured in late friday. At night I presume. Lingg requested I work with her at sakura. Well...to be honest, I was pretty put off with that thought. Could be maybe I'm too spoilt for manual labor and that I really haven't any interest in doing such stuff. That said...yeah I rejected her request.
As you might have guessed, that ticked her off real bad. So she went along to ignore me. Later on, she requested again...of which....well I rejected again. That was the decisive blow I guess. After that, I had to leave for home, and before parting with her, told her to look out for her phone cause I had something on my mind that needed answers.
So I asked, what am I to her exactly? Shit was the answer I got. Gotta admit...I felt really heartbroken. All that I ever was to her, well...no more than just shit. Then we went on to debate about my feelings towards her. With that, got a "you won't even sacrifice this little bit for me" ticket smacked right on my face. That really hurt me too ya know? I sacrificed so much, things I did for you I never did for anyone else. Yet all you could see was the little bit left that I couldn't do, and turned a blind eye to everything else I gave to you. Much less to say, yeah....she said she was.....disappointed in me....
Every word from her broke my heart again and again till there was nothing else left to shatter. The final straw came when I realised....she never actually did love me...at least....she was trying but never loved from the beginning. Having knew that, I literally broke down. Everything I did for her, was because I believed she loved me. To hold on to that love, to see her smiles, those were my driving forces to do whatever I have done all this time. Yet....at the end of the day...it seems like....all of it were for naught. Cause there was no love from her to begin with.
Then the thought of giving up came to my mind, since....the girl I have been loving all along, never felt the same way towards me. Even if winning her back won't have much a point...since there won't be any love I could regain from her. Yet somehow, there was this part of me that didn't want to let go.
That part of me told me that if I did, I'll regret it, I'll miss her, I'll be back to the life I used to lead. That part of me knew that if I let go, I'll never find another girl like her, she is....well....that special you know? I was really torn apart. I want to go back to her....but I knew she doesn't want me anymore...since she no longer trust the love I had for her.
I was in a dilemma, should I try going back...depsite knowing that she'll never love me? With that, I closed my eyes for a little bit. Then a whole chain of thoughts flashed through my mind. There was still so much I have yet to do, so much more that we have yet to do together. We haven't been to the zoo....she hasn't taught me jap like she promised to....I have yet to get myself a driving license so I could drive her around and she'll no longer need to crowd with people. There was so much so much more...and if I let go now....all of these, will only ever remain as a dream.
Then I saw visions. Visions of me and lingg...
I saw us entering the zoo, chatting, laughing and rotted the entire day away there happily.
I saw lingg wearing my specs tilted downwards and teaching me jap. She looked so much like a teacher and I was the good student...haha... *I smiled here*
I saw myself running out of the driving center with my driving license and hugging lingg. Then we went for a spin, and I made her a promise that I'll always be the ferry in her life. A boat that will never capsize.
Then I saw ourselves in the late 20s. Lingg was wearing her wedding gown, and I was in my suit, she looked....really really beautiful. Then we walked down the aisle, with crowds of people cheering. We gave our vows, exchanged rings and embraced in a passionate kiss. We were husband and wife....I saw us....get married.... *I smiled again*
Next I saw this sea of purple flowers. Lavenders....france....I turned around and saw lingg dancing in the bed of flowers. She was so graceful, then I joined in. We danced hand in hand, laughing away, we looked so....blissful.
Then I saw this kid, this little girl. It was our child, our daughter. She was a beautiful little lass, just like her mother. Can't really remember what we named her....Serah if I recall correctly.
She grew up to a beautiful lady, she was really obedient and filial too.
Next, I saw this image...a family picture. I was on the left, lingg was on the right and our daughter right in the middle. She was dressed in graduation clothes and behind us was harvard university. Could you believe it? Our daughter....graduated from harvard...haha....
Alas, I saw our daughter got married to wonderful guy. She was contented and happy, our role as parents was finally accomplished....
Finally...I saw both us, real old haha....I was hage~~ Yet...despite our age. Me and lingg were still holding hands, chatting and laughing like how we used to when we were young. We were so old...yet still so loving....
Seeing all those visions...they just seemed a little too perfect. At that moment....I really wished we could have gone that far, till the day we die. But looking back at my current situation....I knew it was impossible. Lingg doesn't trust me anymore, so that means there is no way any of that could happen.
That moment, I knew I was going to lose lingg for good. I...never thought I'd live my life without her. Yet...now it seems like I'll be going back to my old life. A life without her...without her smiles and her presence. Everything I had hoped for....it was all gone. In just one night.
Then....when about all hope was lost...and all the visions were fading away. Lingg asked if I wanna go out tomorrow. She seemed...cheerful all of a sudden....saying that she had already gotten what she was after. I asked, but she wouldn't say. It seems like....she forgave me all of a sudden....the hopes started coming back...
So when I met her today, which was saturday, she seemed...perfectly fine. It was like as if nothing had happened, and that it was all just a bad dream. Yet....it was as real as reality could get, it wasn't a dream.
Lingg, I am really confused....I don't know what to believe now. Should I believe that you actually still trust my love for you? Should I believe that one day you'll love me too? Or should I believe we still have a future together, that all I have hoped and dreamt, is still possible? My driving force was my believe of your love for me, if it's not there....what should I believe in? Please tell me lingg....
This is the very reason why I was so quiet the whole day. I just can't get the thought out of my mind....I don't know what I should believe in...after you shattered the only believe I had. Please lingg...give me something else to believe in. Even if it's a lie, deceive me, make me believe that we will have a future together. Just....just don't kill off the final hopes I have left....
Lingg, you are a very nice girl. You said you thought I was the one who wouldn't make you upset. But I seem to be making you sad every now and then......if that's the case...lingg....it's not that you are a hard girlfriend. But rather....I have been a lousy boyfriend. It's all my fault...I'm so sorry for any kind of sadness I have ever given you.
I don't know if you still want me....if you still wanna believe in the love I have for you. But I wanna let you know, my feelings for you, none of them were fake. Every drop of emotion and love I showered on you, came right from my heart. I love you...I really do...I really wanna spend my whole life with you...no one else but you. Sure, we don't know what the future holds, but I know what I want, what I feel in me. It's the love and certainty that we will be together always, all that's left...is you....whether you still believe in it or not...
Lingg....I need your answer, I need something to believe in again, something.....to bring the fading visions back. I know it may be hard for you to tell me face to face...so maybe...you could do it on your blog yeah? Tell me....what exactly is it that you feel in you? Do we still stand that chance? Can we still build our future together? You and me?
____________________________________________________________________
Alright...so enough about the sad stuff, now I'll move onto the events like I promised. So Thursday morning, I went over to lingg's house at 8. Got myself big breakfast from the nearby macs since I expected myself to miss lunch.
So got there, gobbled up my breakfast and went to sleep =x Yeah real tired haha~~
Then then woke up at 12 odd? Cause of lingg's alarm. Since we intended to catch a movie before heading for lingg's class. But maybe cause we were just too damn tired? We actually got back to sleep and slept till 2? haha~~ then we really woke up and played with each other a little. Then lingg started using my phone, and for some odd reason I felt tired again. So so so I laid on lingg's lap and fell asleep xD hehe~~~
I don't know what went on afterwards but the next time I woke up, I was on her bed and I thought I was in some sorta office. Well yeah, lingg was typing and all that HAHA! Then we watched sleepy hollow till 6 odd? After which lingg went to take a bathe before heading down to take pics for her school stuff and the her jap lesson.
We got down to west mall at 7.30 and went to take her photographs first. She really still looked beautiful even without her makeup :)
After that was done, Ernest came and off we went for lingg's jap class! weee~~~
I bid her goodbye, gave her a kiss and she told me not to PDA xD someone shy OOOoooOoOOoo xD
Next I went back to westmall hoping to get a meal cause I was starving. I saw an ice-cream stand along the way and got myself one xD well lucky I did, cause west mall was so packed I couldn't eat there, at least not alone, since I couldn't book any seats =.=
So I rotted and stoned till lingg was finally out!
Then went back to lingg's house, yeah overnight ^^ Then then we watched liar game. Pretty interesting show, just maybe a tad bit confusing at times LOL! We watched till 3 I think? Then went to bed arararara =p
____________________________________________________________________
The next day, we woke at 1! Um rather...lingg woke at 1, to prepare for our movie outing. I woke at 3 instead =x And omg my hair was so damn messy D; oh well =/
We bused down to the cathay, got our tickets and headed straight in just in time for the show. Oh and did I mention there was this really nice caucasian ticketing lady who gave the both of us student prices although I only flashed one. Hmm since lingg didn't have hers xD
We watched Rango! Well not too bad, but I was hoping it'd be a little better =x Damn but the indian birdie part was damn funny wtf ~.~ He opened his shirt then got feathers flowing out non stop. Then everyone ask what was he doing and he replied it's time for me to mate LOL! Mate in the middle of a mission =x
Show ended at 6.30 and we didn't wanna head home yet. So we went to plaza sing since lingg wanted to buy some cosmetics stuff from watsons. Unnnnnnfortunately, it appears there wasn't a watsons store at plaza sing, contrary to lingg's belief hehe~~
So instead, we headed down to bugis, since she was certain there is one there. We trained down and and the next part onwards, yep it's the unfortunate event I mentioned at the top of this post, so shan't go about the details again.
____________________________________________________________________
Then saturday, went down to lingg's house in the morning as she requested since she wants to go out. I didn't sleep the entire night, so went over earlier since I didn't had anything else to do. Not to mention I tried playing games but stopped after 5 minutes? Didn't had the mood at all....
After I got there, lingg went back to bed buried under her blanket after opening the door for me. I for one, was hesitant about getting too close to her....cause I don't know what she was thinking...if she was still angry with me or whatnot, and it's best not to piss her off further accidentally. That said, I sat on the chair at her study table and slept there =/
Then then after awhile? Lingg came and covered my mouth =x Yeah that didn't wake me up, the tickling of my ear did. She then told me to sleep on her bed. Yeah...I was hesitant so I sat at the lower bed, then she went on to ask me to sleep on HER bed lol =x Yeah so I did.
Didn't take me long to fall asleep cause I was real tired. Didn't sleep the entire night ya know? Then she woke me up after she was done with her preparations. We took a train down to bugis to get her stuff. She was all back to her sweet smiling, cute self. To be honest...I didn't know how to react....cause I didn't know what was going on. Especially since she was really pissed last night and now all of a sudden, back to how she used to be :O
I was pretty quiet throughout the whole journey and I think it sorta stressed lingg out? sorry...it wasn't intentional. Like I said above....my mind is...well...occupied with thoughts.
We finally got to bugis and we went to artbox. There she found her panda hoody~~ But didn't dare try it on cause she thought it was weird trying something on without a fitting room. Then I told it was just a jacket she could just wear over, not like she had to take her top off or something haha~ I mean...you definitely have to try it on in case it doesn't fit...it's 50 bucks ya know =/ If it doesn't fit, it's good money wasted.
She looked pretty nice in it. After that, she wanted to take it off so we could pay for it. Worried her top may come off with her hoodie, I pulled her top down while she took off the jacket ^^ Paid for it and well, for some reason she seemed reluctant to leave o.o Kept browsing the shop, don't know what she was looking for haha~~
Once she was done, we went for a meal, kinda hungry yeah =/ Ate at food junction. Then then then then we trained back down to her workplace. It was still early so we decided to drop by jurong point first instead. I got caramel coffee and we walked around a little till it was almost time for her work before heading down.
Met Ernest at the MRT platform and off we went! Yeah it was raining and everything was wet and stuff =/ I saw lingg to sakura's doorstep. Hugged her, gave her a kiss and bidded her goodbye. Somehow I didn't wanna leave till she was outta sight...I don't know why. And and for some reason, lingg kept turning back to wave at me too lol~~
After that I headed back home to rest a little and blog before heading back out to fetch lingg off work.
Sigh....to be honest I have no idea what exactly is going on now....but I really hope that everything...will turn out just fine. I really hope so....
Oh and...longest post ever till date I think? Hope it's not too boring a read =x
