Tuesday, March 15, 2011, 10:19 AM
A day without you
I don't know where to start really....nor do I know the point of even continuing this blog at all. Since...well...the only person this blog is dedicated to won't be coming back here anymore...
But I guess I won't let this blog die, especially when it's the only thing she left for me. The only thing that penned and stored all my happy memories with her. We won't be writing this story together anymore I guess....
Ever since the last incident, she had began to doubt my feelings towards her. Yesterday dealt another, one that might just end this fairytale I had hoped for, for good.
I went out to meet my junboon, well haven't seen him in months since the last time we met during the september holidays. Kinda missing this buddy, we decided to just meet up and catch up on old times. So we did.
Halfway through, lingg looked for me cause she was alone. She was....sad, cold and lonely. I tried coaxing her till she hung up on me. Then I guess...on a moment of impulse, somehow we sparked a quarrel. Yes...you saw it right, a quarrel....
It was not after the quarrel did I realise how foolish I was. She was my girlfriend. Lingg....was my beloved girl. That moment, when she was all sad, cold and lonely, and when it seemed everything else had abandoned her, I was her only refuge....yet....yet I had been an asshole. Debating about stuffs that shouldn't be there when I should instead have been there to hold her hand, cuddle her, comfort her and reassure her. But I didn't....I left her out there....
I may not be entirely wrong with what I have told her, but I guess.....what she said was right too. That...I cannot deny.
She said this "Love is not about possession, it's about the happiness, care and concern for the other party". That....really woke me up when it did. From the start, before I got together with her, her happiness was all I truly cared for. It was genuine, I would make her happy at the expanse of anything. But after getting together, I guess....the fear of losing her turned that genuine care into possession. I never realised that....till she said it. How wrong I have been. I wanted to continue the story, I wanted to build that beautiful future with her, so badly that I guessed it made me possessive...after all, that future cannot be there without her can it? Then maybe it went too far, that the genuine care I once had for her, waned and turned into possession instead.
I have realised my folly....you woke me up from this mistake. I always found out my mistakes from you and worked hard to correct them. Yet I guess...this time, this mistake, is so huge I don't think I'll get the chance to correct it. This mistake...had erazed all hope she ever had in me. If only I had realised this sooner....it wouldn't have came to this.
With that, lingg, if you are even reading this far....I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I'm very very sorry.
I won't ask for your forgiveness, because I know this can no longer be remedied. This is my fault and I shoulder the blame, I won't push it, I won't deny it.
Now I just wish...I had been a better boyfriend. If only that genuine care never altered itself into a twisted form....if only I had realised this sooner....if only I had given up the entire world fully. We would have had such a beautiful future ahead of us. Yet all this has now turned into ashes, and it was all my doing.
You were right, I deserved it, I reap what I sowed.
I know you may hate me now, in fact, I don't know if we can still be together. But I have awoken now, and regardless of what may become of us, if you ever need me again for anything....tell me....I'll be there. It feels good ya know lingg? That genuine care I used to feel for you, that feeling I have lost for 3 weeks....it's back. I feel it again.
Alas, I'm sorry lingg, I should never have let those tears flow down your cheeks. I'm sorry for what I have done.
Today....today will be my first day without her. Without her presence, her smile and without a place for the care to go back to. Our couple ring, when I look and cuddle it again, it feels like as if you were here with me. I can still hear your voice, your laughter when I crack those really lame jokes, and the moments that made you, you.
ごめんなさい lingg, 愛してる.
You'll always have a place in my heart, and always be in my memories.
But I guess I won't let this blog die, especially when it's the only thing she left for me. The only thing that penned and stored all my happy memories with her. We won't be writing this story together anymore I guess....
Ever since the last incident, she had began to doubt my feelings towards her. Yesterday dealt another, one that might just end this fairytale I had hoped for, for good.
I went out to meet my junboon, well haven't seen him in months since the last time we met during the september holidays. Kinda missing this buddy, we decided to just meet up and catch up on old times. So we did.
Halfway through, lingg looked for me cause she was alone. She was....sad, cold and lonely. I tried coaxing her till she hung up on me. Then I guess...on a moment of impulse, somehow we sparked a quarrel. Yes...you saw it right, a quarrel....
It was not after the quarrel did I realise how foolish I was. She was my girlfriend. Lingg....was my beloved girl. That moment, when she was all sad, cold and lonely, and when it seemed everything else had abandoned her, I was her only refuge....yet....yet I had been an asshole. Debating about stuffs that shouldn't be there when I should instead have been there to hold her hand, cuddle her, comfort her and reassure her. But I didn't....I left her out there....
I may not be entirely wrong with what I have told her, but I guess.....what she said was right too. That...I cannot deny.
She said this "Love is not about possession, it's about the happiness, care and concern for the other party". That....really woke me up when it did. From the start, before I got together with her, her happiness was all I truly cared for. It was genuine, I would make her happy at the expanse of anything. But after getting together, I guess....the fear of losing her turned that genuine care into possession. I never realised that....till she said it. How wrong I have been. I wanted to continue the story, I wanted to build that beautiful future with her, so badly that I guessed it made me possessive...after all, that future cannot be there without her can it? Then maybe it went too far, that the genuine care I once had for her, waned and turned into possession instead.
I have realised my folly....you woke me up from this mistake. I always found out my mistakes from you and worked hard to correct them. Yet I guess...this time, this mistake, is so huge I don't think I'll get the chance to correct it. This mistake...had erazed all hope she ever had in me. If only I had realised this sooner....it wouldn't have came to this.
With that, lingg, if you are even reading this far....I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I'm very very sorry.
I won't ask for your forgiveness, because I know this can no longer be remedied. This is my fault and I shoulder the blame, I won't push it, I won't deny it.
Now I just wish...I had been a better boyfriend. If only that genuine care never altered itself into a twisted form....if only I had realised this sooner....if only I had given up the entire world fully. We would have had such a beautiful future ahead of us. Yet all this has now turned into ashes, and it was all my doing.
You were right, I deserved it, I reap what I sowed.
I know you may hate me now, in fact, I don't know if we can still be together. But I have awoken now, and regardless of what may become of us, if you ever need me again for anything....tell me....I'll be there. It feels good ya know lingg? That genuine care I used to feel for you, that feeling I have lost for 3 weeks....it's back. I feel it again.
Alas, I'm sorry lingg, I should never have let those tears flow down your cheeks. I'm sorry for what I have done.
Today....today will be my first day without her. Without her presence, her smile and without a place for the care to go back to. Our couple ring, when I look and cuddle it again, it feels like as if you were here with me. I can still hear your voice, your laughter when I crack those really lame jokes, and the moments that made you, you.
ごめんなさい lingg, 愛してる.
You'll always have a place in my heart, and always be in my memories.
